Talking to children about Death

Death and children where do I begin.

Death is hard enough for us adults never mind our children. Death is always rearing its head in children’s lives through grandparents or mostly pets, however due to the Queens passing lots of children have been inquisitive about death so I thought I would put my tips and ideas into a blog for you all to read. In our setting we celebrated and talked about the Queen through a simple hands on cafe style snack.

We read about Paddington bear visiting the Queen to enjoy marmalade sandwiches then enjoyed a cafe style snack to remember her.

We feel it’s best to be honest with the children and give them the answers in real form but in a child relevant sensitive way not shy away from the conversations that they are interested in. Children have massive imaginations and if you don’t tell them what is happening they will probably create their own answers in their own mind which is sometimes a million miles away from the truth. They may even blame themselves for what has happened so talking together allows you to support the child through their big feelings.

A childminder who recently lost a close relative said ‘ I allowed myself to be upset in front of them so they realised it was okay and very normal to feel that way’ She also gave the children choices along the way such as attending the funeral, being part of scattering the ashes etc so they felt part of the process all the way along.

Children whatever their age will notice a person is missing what they don’t understand that that person is never coming back. They don’t understand the permanency of death therefore they will continue to ask where they are. It is important to talk about the person that we have lost in our every day lives to continue to entwine them in our lives so talking about memories, birthdays, likes and dislikes etc.

It is also important to use the word death, died or dead as some of us say ‘passing on’, ‘gone to sleep’ etc which the child will misunderstand and may even be scared to fall asleep at bed time thinking something bad is going to happen to them or someone else. Explain that death means their body is unable to work anymore so they wont walk, sleep, eat or play.

‘Death is a part of life and I don’t want to shield them from it. I want to give them the tools to be able to manage and cope with it’ said a parent who recently lost her mum.

Play is always a good way to share information about death with young children. Drawing and sharing emotions through messy play as young children are unable to express their emotions through language so paint and sensory play is a good way for them to share these.

Books and bookish play is also good to share language and feelings. Setting up props around the stories pictured below to enhance and embed the understanding in the print. There are many books available to buy such as these pictured as well as many others such as Badgers Parting Gifts and The Invisible String.

There are many activities that you can do alongside reading such as planting a bush or a tree to remember the loved one.

This book Storm in a Jar is a great way to discuss the different feelings. A memory jar is also a great hands on activity to do togethe talking about memories whilst filling the jar.

There are many organisations and charities to offer help and support too such as Penhaligon Friends and Cruse Bereavement. We hope this blog is useful and we would like to thank @catherineschildminding for providing some useful tips too.